Well, ideally, it wasn’t in his place to tell me this but I am glad he did. I know Eugene wouldn’t have mentioned it until maybe in his convenient time.
I can’t date a guy who doesn’t believe in God.
No. No. No.
I didn’t know which was the most annoying part; That he is an atheist or that he didn’t mention it.
I knew I had to walk away, while I still had control of my legs.
It was a difficult decision. A hard position.
You know, Relationships are always very sweet at the beginning… The flutter of excitement, the adrenaline rush…I experienced them all.
The way my heart lifts when I see his call, the stupid smile whenever he crosses my mind, the text messages and chats… The way he looks at me every time we are in a public place where we can’t really show the kind of PDA we have in mind, those stares that makes me want to melt.
Those times we would sit at the backyard and he will sing for me with his guitar…
The manner which he communicates with his domestic help Imoren and the Gateman Goodluck is…Polite. Civil. Never condescending, like many people I know.
I like how he plays with his dogs…
The way he scoops me up at anytime he feels like.
Stop naa, I would protest, laughing.
Leave me joor. I am lifting weights. It’s part of exercise. He would reply.
Like me, He loved the arts too… Paintings, sculptures, carvings…he loved the library…
I remember telling him that whenever I visit a state for the first time, the first places I go to is their gallery, a museum and a library…then a beach or water front before a karaoke place.
He looked at me a few seconds and said; Uju, you and I are not a coincidence.
I don’t believe in coincidence. I replied.
He smiled and kept quiet.
I later found out those where also has favourite places.
There are some weekends we would spread straw mats in front of the house, we would eat bole and fish. We would drink red wine and listen to Gregory Issac or Isley Brothers.
I remember the funny way he dances whenever we listened to Fela…
I have never met anyone who loved music like Eugene.
Or the days we would go to the cinema, he would interrupt the movie with a kiss.
They are kissing. Let us kiss our own. He would whisper…
All these with an ATHEIST!!!!
You see ehn, his Atheism is not the kind I have seen before. It is not what these facebook atheists, AKA “rebellious Christians” do on Facebook, maybe that’s why I didn’t notice on time.
He didn’t believe and later stopped believing, like majority of our Atheists today.
He was raised by parents who didn’t believe in God, or a higher power, he grew up that way. To him, for every miracle, there was a logical explanation.
He used logic. I used mystery.
One morning, a week after I called it quits, he called me and said; Baby, I read the Bible today…
I chuckled. You have read the Bible from start to end thrice IN your life time, instead of just reading, why not meditate on what you have read? I asked.
He called back a few hours later and said; were those Wars in the Old Testament really necessary? Do you know how many thousand people David killed in his life time? WTF will David kill thousands of people just because he wants to? Killing is a sin but your God told David to kill. To sin.
I would try to explain in my little way but of course, he won’t be convinced.
Ehen, so according to your Bible story, mankind was destroyed at One point in time, yea?
Yes, I replied.
So if Noah and his family were the only people left, it means everyone on earth is blood related?
I will scratch my head and sigh in frustration.
It was an endless circle.
He didn’t have bile or hate for my belief. He didn’t have that disrespect I see with “rebellious christians”. It was just pure unbelif. He didn’t understand it. To him its meaningless. It made no sense.
So I walked away…
Many times, i am tempted to compare him to other guys I have met and they pale in comparison.
Other times, I’d try to see if I can really like someone who has a little of the qualities I saw in Eugene… But it never works out, I get bored and uninterested before long.
I have told God, to send me a Eugene that believes in Him. A Eugene who has an even deeper relationship with him than myself.
Truth is this, even i can not convince myself that there is no God.
I have seen him. I have felt him. I have heard him speak to me. He told me I LOVE YOU. It was clear. I wasn’t hallucinating or imagining things.
I have been in his presence and felt him and the joy he brings.
I don’t want to be or believe anything else.
I had a lot of what ifs and to be honest, I nearly gave in to the possibility that his unbelief didn’t really matter, but deep down, I knew it did.
I do not regret my decision, I only regretted things that could have been…